Being in your Body

I’ve had a handful of medicine journeys that kept me in my body when I’ve been craving and wanting to leave my body and experience the limitless possibilities of being in a space of nothing and everything. Some call it the void, I call it being with Source. But the lesson learned in being in my body has been very impactful and is helping me utilize the infinite wisdom our body possess!

What does it mean to be in your body?
I had to ask myself this question first because in my mind it seemed simple to be in your body. I mean aren’t I always in my body?! But like a yoga pose held without conscious mindfulness of all the body parts you could be on cruise control in your life and not realize that you could take some conscious effort in helping you get from point A to point B. The Universe is always helping you receive what you’ve asked for but are you doing your part in helping with the co-creation?

My realization came when I got into an argument with my wife. It was a repeated topic we’ve had to face several times as it’s one of my triggers that I haven’t healed over yet. Only I mistook which trigger was going off. I have a trigger of my self worth of not feeling enough being born a female. This consistently gets triggered in me almost everytime my partner has a potential new boyfriend coming in. Only this one time I really did trust the guy she is seeing and so I knew I would receive support from both sides and that scared the crap out of me! But why?? So being scared I gave into fear and started to put my guards up and fight back. I tried to protect myself by making my partner angry at me for not being okay with her having this new guy in her life…only deep down I was really okay with this arrangement but I didn’t want to admit that! So instead of being loving and being happy for my partner I lashed out into what’s comfortable for me and started to do things to make her angry at me cuz anger is something I can handle and something I think I deserve. I succeeded in making her angry at me only this time that didn’t feel good either!! I started to cry and distance myself to stop fighting as there was just feeling deep within me that I never noticed before. It was my inner child! I had finally made my life in a place where my inner child felt safe to surface. And this time I felt her loud and clear. She no longer wanted to do things the hard way. She wants to choose love!

So I confessed to my partner I don’t want to fight anymore, I’m actually okay with this new guy showing up for you in your life but I don’t know why I’m fighting to not be happy about that. Then I questioned the things I said in our argument and questioned how I reacted. What stood out was that I repeatedly think my wife tries to use my words against me. I get super mad when this happens. I couldn’t see that my wife was trying to get me to see things in a different perspective. All I felt was that she was trying to trick me into doing something I don’t want to do.

I learned this behaviour from my mother. Now for the record I know my mother loves me with the best that she knows and that is always trying her best but growing up I never received the nurturing and love from her that I so dearly desired from a mother. I learned that receiving love from someone could be used against you and I held onto this belief from the first time my mom says “if you love me, you’ll do as I say!” This little kid in me hearing those words right away chose to believe that receiving love is dangerous! So I grew up an emotionless child and then grew up to be a person that didn’t want anyone in her life cuz I was so scared to let love in thinking it would be used against me.

Still to this day I find it hard to come to terms and admit that as a child growing up I didn’t get what I was hoping for but I know all the lessons and experiences I had, has shaped me into the person I am today. And today I choose love more consistently. The risk of getting hurt by opening your heart is worth it when you find love! It all started from myself! Loving myself to then being able to learn to trust others love.

So now being in my body means what am I feeling right now. What is my body trying to tell me? What are the thoughts going on through my brain? What is my heart telling me? Paying attention using all the senses you have to feel and notice your body is where you will find all the answers for yourself!